How Burnout Brought Me Back to the Here and Now
“She believed she could, but she needed a break, so she said NO.”
–a t-shirt my sister gave me during my personal sabbatical
One year ago this month, Feel Creative Wellness (aka Feel) was born. To honor her birthday, I’d like to share the story of how Feel came to be. This is a story about how a brush with burnout brought me back to the here and now.
Feel came into existence after a particularly turbulent time in my life. I had walked away from a secure but exhausting hospital-based job in October 2021 after working the front lines during the COVID pandemic. I was in a situation where both my physical and mental health were compromised. I needed additional support related to my disabilities, but my requests for help were denied based on “departmental needs”—a hard truth many people with disabilities in the American workforce face more often than most people realize. A hard choice had to be made, and I made it. When I left that job, I believed in my core that I would never practice music therapy again. I wasn’t even interested in making music for fun anymore. I felt exhausted, depleted, and numb.
The first day after my resignation, I hiked up to a nearby oak tree with my aging dog and gazed at a beautiful view of Mt. Tamalpais (known affectionately by locals as “Mount Tam”) in Marin County, California. I took a deep breath, placed my hand on my heart, and reassured myself that I was worthy of taking a break. The funny thing is, I didn’t even believe that yet. I just knew I needed to hear it from myself, as if some future version of me was reaching out and saying, “This is the way. It’s not going to be easy, but this is the way.”
I went into deep inner retreat for a few solid months—my personal sabbatical. I recognize this isn’t an option for everyone, but it was something I had to make work. My health depended on it. (If you’re interested in the logistics of how I made it work, please feel free to ask.)
When I emerged from my cocoon of rest and self-reflection—which involved many hours of meditation and reading every book Thich Nhat Hanh and Brené Brown ever wrote—I started to think critically about how I wanted to spend my days. Did I want to be immersed in “the hustle,” endlessly climbing ladders and feeding my tendencies toward perfectionism, high-achieving, and people-pleasing? Or did I want to live a life where I could feel present, grounded, and connected to myself, others, and the Earth?
One night in early February 2022, as my partner was cooking dinner in our small California kitchen, I started talking about the various job interviews I’d had that week. Most of them were director-level positions, but something just didn’t feel quite right. One had even made an offer—a starting salary that was way more than I had ever made— and I had declined. That was odd, given how much I’d always wanted to be in status-oriented roles and had spent much of my life terrified of scarcity.
Then, I started talking about what I would hope to do with my time once I “retired.” I described a holistic wellness service that would offer various levels of support for people who were living with hard things. People with invisible disabilities and chronic illnesses. People who were in pain. People wanting to heal from trauma. People wanting to reconnect with their bodies. People hoping to recover from burnout. People wanting to reconnect with their innate creativity. People wanting to find ways to live in the present moment. People interested in slowing down and feeling their emotions. People wanting to reclaim their voices and their inherent worthiness to rest. People wanting to find ways to feel better. And there it was: Feel.
By the end of this informal conversation in the kitchen, I looked at my husband and asked with seriousness, “Why should I wait until retirement to do this? Why don’t I just do it now?” And the seeds for Feel were planted. A few months later, Feel Creative Wellness, LLC was officially born.
For me, I had to step completely away from the hustle to find myself again. I had become so caught up in achieving and performing that I forgot it’s okay to slow down. It’s okay to have days that are just good enough. It’s okay to shift the focus away from productivity and back toward a state of being.
Have you forgotten that it’s okay to stop climbing the ladder? Have you forgotten that you have a right to reclaim your mental, physical, and spiritual health? Do you know who you are outside of your many roles? We get so caught up in our daily thoughts, but do we ever stop and ask, “Who is the person thinking these thoughts? What do I really know about them, and are they cared for?”
When I was diagnosed with complex chronic health conditions and was facing brain surgery as a young adult, I learned this life truth the hard and fast way: the only time we have is now. The past is gone. The future isn’t here yet. My recent brush with burnout reminded me of this very important (and often overlooked) fact. And honestly, I’m grateful for the reminder. It woke me back up.
The time to seek joy is now. The time to engage with the present moment is now. The time to stop scrolling and start tuning in to who and what is directly in front of you is now. The time to smell that beautiful flower is now. The time to listen to birds singing is now. The time to care about the planet is now. The time to rest is now. The time to disentangle yourself from the capitalist construct that your self-worth is tied to your productivity is now. The time to do that thing you want to do but have been putting off is now.
We don’t have access to the past or the future. We have access to now. Let’s tune back into it.
Are you curious about what your life might look like if you were fully grounded in the here and now? Let’s chat. We offer several levels of support at Feel Creative Wellness, LLC, so whether you’re looking for 1:1 therapy or health and wellness consultations, we’ve got you. Email us today to book a free initial phone consultation.
